The Silence

7 months. That is how long I have been silent. I can’t think of what to write, let alone function, these days.

PPD sucks. I wish I had headspace to think coherently. I don’t have the capacity to function well these days. I type this as a blue bag beseeches folding. I should attend to that. Know, dear reader, that I hope to draft works soon. However, currently, I can’t. I know writing is therapy, but I must be mindful.

I want to glorify God and encourage others. Right now, I just sense and endless pit and darkness. It would not be glorifying to God to transcribe my thoughts. I fear it would encourage wrongly. As such, sometimes the best thing we can do is go silent. Let God speak above our chatter. Be still and quiet so that his word might be magnified. Listen to the still small voice. What is God’s whisper saying as you scream in agony? What if we hushed enough that we focused on Christ more than our circumstances. As Lewis said, “pain is God’s megaphone to a deaf world.”

i need to hear what he is saying through that megaphone so I need a little more time in silence. Bear with me readers and pray; oh please pray endlessly for me during this season.

The Circle of Life


Pi day

The circle is a beautiful shape, encompassing the continuity of things.

My rotund belly reminds me of the life within.

My faith tends to follow a cyclical pattern of doubt and dedication.

My wedding band reminds me of the unceasing covenant I made with my incredible husband 7 years ago.

There are patterns all throughout the timeline of history.

Math is a language spoken by all, intricate to our being.  It is a tool given to humanity by God that we might understand just a fraction of this creation.

So today we celebrate the circle and the beauty of its irrational, never-ending circumference-diameter formula.  We remember our Creator, the originator of such divine principles. We play games and eat foods to remind us of God’s unceasing bounty in this circle called life.

A Healthy Heartbeat…

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”-Phil. 4:6-7

Now I understand the verse above was intended to encourage the Philippian church as it faced persecution.  This reference is often misquoted as a means to instruct believers today to not worry about our present circumstances.  I guess today I want a little bit of heresy.  Is that too scandalous to admit?

My due date is March 17, 2018.  My husband and I are expecting our third child (outside the womb).  This is my fourth pregnancy.  Anyways, I already am receiving constant texts asking about my status.  Well meaning friends and family are asking how I am feeling, if there is any update on the baby and its arrival.  “Any baby yet?”  I haven’t even approached my due date and people are asking me!

Yes, both of my daughters were born at 39 weeks gestation.  This has not been private information but facts I’ve shared loudly and proudly.  It’s true that we will be humbled when we cross the borders of arrogance.  The truth is that each pregnancy is different and so is each labor.  This kid could decide to debut later than an arbitrary test stamps it to be arriving.

Anyways, maybe these texts are contributing to my anxiety.  I want to say it is merely discomfort, but I wasn’t this anxious for a baby’s arrival in the past.  I was calm and relaxed with my daughters.  Now I groan with each passing day that this kid hasn’t arrived.  I keep thinking I am in labor, gleefully riding the waves of contractions, only to have the pains subside a few hours later, greeting the stillness with frustrated angst.

I am having my second planned homebirth.  There I said it.  *Pause for audience freak out.*  My first homebirth wound up being an out of hospital birth, but taking place at the Midwife office.  The friend who was babysitting had no way of removing my other child from the home for an extended period of time.  I also had a dog.  While it was a wise choice to change locations, I guess I fear that I will make the mistake again and I won’t be permitted to have a homebirth ever again.

Now, the good news is that NJ is going to have its first birth center EVER!  (Thanks to the Midwives of NJ.)  If we continue to reside in NJ and have more children, I guess this would be a viable option.  However, one appeal of a homebirth is not having to be transported anywhere.  I get to stay home.  Some think this inconvenient with cleaning as birth entails lots of blood and fluids, but honestly, motherhood has me knee deep in cleaning already that I don’t see it as adding too much work.

Another frustration, and probably currently contributing to a locked cervix, is my parents views on my choices.  My mother had C-sections with both me and my sister.  She chose to follow the advice of her doctor.  I would never fault a woman for choosing to follow a doctor’s recommendations.  A doctor is supposed to have more knowledge, more credentials, right?  The problem is, I wonder what evidence he based his counsel on.

Yes, I was 9 lbs. and 6 oz.  I was a fairly large baby.  However, what recommendations on diet, exercise, etc. did he give my mother prior to this C-section counsel?  Could my birth weight have been lowered by other choices?  Knowing that hips separate to accommodate a baby during labor, could she have had me vaginally?  Is it truly possible to say that a woman’s cervix is too small from a sonogram based on a baby’s weight and a woman’s height?  So often I feel like the medical field is severely lacking when it comes to women’s health.  Induction rates and C-section rates are too high.

Yes, there is a time and place for inductions and c-sections.  I am not saying there isn’t a need for them or for hospitals.  In fact, I had my first daughter in a hospital and it went well.  I was asked a bunch of questions during labor which was annoying,  but overall, it was a beautiful experience.  Hospitals are good institutions when they are required.  Some women feel more peace and comfort being in a hospital, especially during labor and delivery.

Growing up, I LOVED the doctors.  I LOVED hospitals.  I come from a mother who was exasperated any time I got hurt.  (Now that I have become a mother myself, I can understand the frustration.  My mother probably warned me a million times not to do something, I did it regardless and got hurt.  Trust me, I get it now.  I get frustrated with my kids in the exact same way.  We are more like our parents than we care to admit sometimes.)  Anyways, hospitals were a place where staff and administrators cared that I wasn’t feeling well.  They felt compassionate.

I am surprised that in one of life’s most vulnerable states, I find myself NOT wanting to be there.  I simply crave the isolation of home, all social media shut off, and the majority of the world having no clue that I am about to bring life into this world.  It shocks me. I say all this because the stigma of homebirth in America saddens me.

We are a country that seeks comfort.  We tend to think ourselves invincible.  Somehow, our privilege makes us think we are less prone to death.  People cringe when I say, “Lord willing” or “when I die…”   Sadly, the truth is that we all die.  Death is a by-product of sin entering the world.  It hurts and it sucks.

The sickle can strike me at home, on the highway, or in hospital’s “haven”.  

I do fear the blame game should anything go wrong.  In fact, I had the “safety” conversation with my mom earlier.  I know that if anything does go negatively, that I will likely not be met with warm, comforting arms, but rather the cruelty of chides.  I would be told how I should have done things differently.

Just as we will never know if I could have been brought forth differently, we would never know if the location of my kid’s birth could have saved its life (if anything does go wrong).  Americans like to assume such things, but I know too many women who have delivered a stillborn in a hospital to say that the building can save.

Now, I understand that increased emergent care has helped hordes of humans.  We have been able to rescue hundreds, if not thousands, of infants with technology (there is a political debate on the flip side of this, but that would stray too far and I don’t want to get into that political debate…for the meantime, let’s stick with hospital care, midwifery, and newborn care political theory.  I do apologize for the run-on bracketed statement.)

Hospitals are a necessity.  They do provide lots of good.  However, we can admit that we have started intervening when it isn’t necessary we do so.  C-sections and induction are required at times, but the rate at which they are being done is alarming!  Women have been able to birth and raise children into adulthood for YEARS without hospitals, doctors, and technology.  Why do we all of a sudden think women incapable of performing a task they’ve been doing without assistance for millennia?

On International Women’s Day (which I just found out through google was today; I got distracted composing this lengthy, stream of consciousness, difficult to follow post), can we admit that we still have strides to make when it comes to women’s health and the perception of a woman’s abilities in our patriarchal society?

Can I please make a choice that I feel most comfortable with (after having been thoroughly screened for acceptance as well mind you) without being blamed or shamed should something go wrong?  It has always been my hope that I might please my parents.  Thankfully, parenthood has shown me how impossible that feat is.  Whenever we make choices different than those expected or desired of us, we will be judged.  Sadly, we must admit we do it too.  Please forgive me.  I am trying to become more Christ-like.  (Yes, we are to hold each other accountable. In matters not explicitly addressed in Scripture, humanity must be granted free-will to do things with its resources as that individual sees fit, even if they aren’t how we’d do them).

Tragedy can strike at anytime, anywhere, and to anyone.  May we not add to the pain of loss, illness, or uncertainty through judgement, shame, and prideful piety, especially to a pregnant or laboring woman.  Her hormones just might wreak unwanted havoc!  Just let the woman be!

*I write this more for me than I do for my audience at this particular moment.  It has been quite therapeutic.  As I’ve documented my frustrations, which are regrettably in the public sphere online, may it help resolve the clenching of this cervix.  (Too graphic?  Probably.  Can I blame sleep deprivation or is admitting this revealing my sin and that I shouldn’t have uttered it in the first place?)  Child, you are most welcome and for my sanity and sensibilities, please come soon (but of course, when you are ready and fully grown, not on my whim).

**Pushes castor oil aside.  (Don’t worry, I haven’t resolved myself to gulp that yet.  I’m not past my due date so I’m not resorting to such drastic measures.  To do so would jeopardize my baby’s health and I know that.  Sometimes, like much of parenting, we must set aside our desires for the well-being or our little prodigies.)  FYI, also please understand some of this is very tongue and cheek.  In trying to be amusing, I probably fail massively.

I am so uncomfortable.  I really should stop writing.  Who willingly sold me the internet, a keyboard, and a public forum when I am this far along in pregnancy?  It is a dangerous thing to grant an opinionated pregnant woman such freedom, no?  To our male dominated health profession, even in obstetrics, it is most dangerous indeed.

(Note: I am not a feminist that finds belittling men an acceptable form of equality.  If there are undertones of that present in this post, it was not my intent.  I am a fighter for equality, not female superiority.  I married a man who is just as competent as I am (even if sometimes my verbiage doesn’t denote that).  We perform tasks differently and that can sometimes make it feel like “I’m better”.  I am not though.  When that notion creeps in, I must address the sin of pride.

Anyways, I do think that women are more adapt at understanding women’s health issues because well, we are women.  While I might have a theoretical knowledge of men’s health, it is difficult for me to properly address men’s reproductive health issues because I am not a man.  As such, I think women better able to assist other women in this area of expertise.

Women’s health in a patriarchal society does need work.  Women need to not be thought of as incompetent.  Some might disagree that there is a hint of this mentality in the medical field.  Sadly, I would argue that the increase in inductions, c-sections, and overall postpartum care, especially in America, reveals that this mindset is present, if not prevalent in our society.  Thinking this is by no means meant to be an affront to our male counterparts.  There are kind, caring, capable men out there working to help empower women (and vice versa).

(Many thanks to my incredible husband for being one of those men and always supporting me and the choices I make in regards to my body and its comfort.  Your respect empowers me greatly.  We need more men like you!  You are meek and that is a great character trait indeed.  I love you and can’t wait to bring another child into this world with you. )

Happy International Women’s Day.

May I stop this constant approval addiction.  I don’t need to justify this decision!  I have made my choice after being well educated on the matter.  (Thank you Midwives of NJ and Bradley birthing classes for making me understand complications, challenges, and celebrations in regards to L&D, parenting, and motherhood.)

Okay, seriously, I seem to be rambling.  I should go rest.  Here is hoping I’ll be delivering (delivered from pregnancy’s discomfort and adjusting to being a family of 5…hehe) soon.

(Thank you Jesus for delivering your people when we put our trust in you.  I pray this all goes well in your name.  I need not have fear, I have you!  You give me a new heart, renew a steadfast spirit within me.)

Hormone’s Harshness

“Let your gentleness be known to everyone. The Lord is near.”-Phil. 4:5

With my history, I tend to be a little rough around the edges.  It was ingrained in me by mother.  She is a no-nonsense, career driven female.  It is from her that I became a strong-willed and opinionated woman.  Now, there isn’t anything inherently wrong with being strong willed and opinionated, but it does have to be tempered.  Sadly, I have sinned a lot lately.

I blame outbursts of anger on hormones.  While I can excuse some of it to hormones, this does not mean I can forsake self-control.  Gestating a child is not a viable reason to forsake tenants of my faith.  It is in overlooking offenses and handling difficulties with dignity that Christ’s light shines brightly within us.  Lately, his light has been quite dim in me.

I’ve thrown rants over not having a hot shower, lashed out because dinner wasn’t on the table at the time I wanted it to be, grumbled because food I wanted wasn’t in the house, and blown up in frustration at people’s innocent comments or joking.  Yesterday, I told my husband he was getting the silent treatment during an argument we had last week and repeated yesterday.  Thankfully, the Lord is merciful and in hearing my friend’s struggles with her kids’ bath time, I softened.  My husband wasn’t the asinine jerk I was portraying him to be.  We simply had the same miscommunication and if I’m entirely honest, it was mainly my fault.

I was definitely not gentle to him.  When he didn’t respond immediately to my texts, I sent him harried, wrath-filled comments.  He had simply not heard the phone as it was placed elsewhere.  Technology is a beneficial tool, but when used inappropriately, can drag us deeper into sin indulgence.  We have this asset at our disposal, but it can make us anxious, worried, or angry when we can’t control it or the people with whom we communicate to through it.  This is where the problem lies with this valuable tool.

The commentary in my Bible stated that the Greek word for gentleness used in the context at the top denotes joy in spite of offense.  I am letting American comfort and convenience challenge Christ-like character.  It is a constant struggle in our society.  Deviating somewhat from the thread above, but in my mind still on the same track, this has been evident with recent mass shootings.

Instead of trying to live peacefully with neighbors, showing kindness and compassion, and condolences in grieving, we are quarreling.  We are retaliating with vanity, pride, and self-aggrandizement.  Rather than concede that politics won’t resolve sin issues, we malign friend’s and family with varying opinion.  Healthy debate and encouragement has been replaced with character defamation simply for having a variant opinion.  Gun-control arguments have monopolized the scene when we really, truly need to bend knees in prayer, not placate the problem with simple nods of apology.

We need to be kind even in spite of cruelty.  ““You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist an evildoer. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also;  and if anyone wants to sue you and take your coat, give your cloak as well…”-Matt.5:38-40  This command from Jesus is a hefty charge.  To exercise forgiveness, compassion, and charity when we feel offended or slighted contradicts American sensuality.  However, the only way we will see authentic alterations in culture is if we adhere to these biblical mandates.  Now, we can’t expect to hold non-believers to these moral standards, but we can expect ourselves [professing Christ followers] to do so.  I know I’m falling short, but by God’s grace and intense prayer, my hard exterior will soften.  I’ve seen myself grow more understanding and less hard-headed over the years (or at least I hope I am…others might disagree, but is that fear that I am failing rather than succeeding in this area simply a by-product of my rampant approval addiction that needs to die).  

[Aside: I put too many things in parentheses.  Gah, I did it again!]

It starts with us.  When we let gentleness rule in our sphere of influence, we will eventually see ripples of gratitude, generosity, and grace reach beyond our gates.  We will see God near, his kingdom on earth as it is in heaven.

Culture’s Currents

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God—what is good and acceptable and perfect.”-Rom. 12:2 NRSV

I tread cautiously, of course.  Scripture must always be used in context and never to prove our own points and serve our own devices.  I pray I will not do this here; forgive me if I tread the line.

Paul is speaking of refraining from cultural indulgences of sin.  What I am about to address isn’t necessarily sinful.  However, I do have to keep my motives in view, discerning if I’m simply trying to be counter cultural because I don’t want to be like everyone else or if I’m doing it because I see it as the best way to glorify God.

“The beginning of strife is like letting out water; so stop before the quarrel breaks out.”- Prov. 17:14

Am I just trying to be quarrelsome?  Do I just want my own opinion heard?  Do I simply think myself right that I want others to hear me while I drown their opinion with my “voice of reason”?  These are questions that have to remain on the precipice of this endeavor.  I cannot seek to stray from societal norms simply to draw attention.

Anyways, I have felt seemingly out of place recently.  In a way, I am supposed to.  I am a pilgrim in this life, just as believers before me.

 All of these died in faith without having received the promises, but from a distance they saw and greeted them. They confessed that they were strangers and foreigners on the earth, for people who speak in this way make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of the land that they had left behind, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God; indeed, he has prepared a city for them.”- Heb. 11:13-16

Even though I am meant to be a pilgrim, I don’t know how much of this unsettled, dissatisfaction is merely discontentment that needs to be repented of or the fact that American culture elude’s me.  I have noticed it increasing over the years and perhaps it is, to an extent, a by-product of my faith profession.  Yet, I wonder how much of it is simply because I sought the dream and woke up disillusioned and doubtful of its fulfillment.  How much of it is my parenting expectations that were ingrained in me by society that I shake off because I find it isn’t ideal for my family unit?  Did this transition occur only when I chose to labor and deliver/parent differently than American cultural norms?  Could the change have shifted earlier and I wasn’t noticing the splinters?

Here are ways I am being “counter-cultural” lately:

1.) Trying to live more simply/becoming minimalist

2.) Supporting military defense because I am married to a soldier and want to encourage him, but also finding pacifism appealing

3.) Thinking tiny homes are a viable living option

4.) Thinking Technology is beneficial at times but overall, has led to severe societal corruption

5.) Choosing Midwives as my main care providers in L&D

6.) Wanting homebirths

7.) Wanting my children present during my deliveries of subsequent children and “preparing” them as such (to which I’ve had people tell me that it is traumatizing for children and how could I subject them to this; yet kids raised on farms seem relatively well adjusted and have witnessed birth)

8.) Being a major proponent of breastfeeding as natural and not sexual

9.) Baby-wearing as a better mode of child transport than strollers

10.) Bed-sharing

I’m sure the list could go on, but these are the major themes of differences I’m currently noticing.

Are there verses to support these choices?  Sure.  I’m also certain that verses could be used to support an opposing view.  As in all things, motives matter.  I need to assess my motives for selecting these choices, if I’m glorifying God in them, and if I’m truly respecting those who choose to make different decisions.  If I am brutally honest with myself, there is a hint of silent judging when people don’t do things “my way”.  After all, would we do them/believe it if we thought them/it false?

Forgive me God for being disgruntled or offended when someone questions these decisions.  I do not need to take offense.  If I think it right and carefully review the finalized decision, finding it “in-line” with Scripture/your will, help me to stop justifying my actions.  When I do, I am giving into my approval addiction.  I want to be your servant and if I continuously give into man’s approval, I am not being the light you have called me to be.  (Gal. 1:10 is an applicable verse.)

Lent is a season of reflection, repentance, and renewal.  We often forsake certain habits.  While such sacrifices are often temporal, God has called us to completely surrender ourselves.  Our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit.  Sometimes, we need to refrain from a behavior or indulgence for the rest of our pilgrimage.  I know I probably say it every season, but I need to surrender this approval addiction permanently.  I’m caring too much what others think about my work, parenting, and practically daily decisions.

I need to stop listening to others about how to live life and more completely surrender to Christian servitude.  Man’s approval or philosophy won’t get me eternity.  Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  It is in surrendering to him, his will, and seeking God’s favor that I will be free to eternity.

Will you pray for me?

What is God pressing on your heart this Lenten season?

Love in the Ashes

While elusive in evidence, legends exist regarding Valentine.

A link to part of my morning devotional today:

Some folklore purports that he was a third century martyr beheaded for his defense of the Christian faith.  Apparently, Valentine tried converting the Emperor and as such, was killed.

Other sources state that Pope Gelasius 1st was trying to Christianize the pagan festival of Lupercalia.

Whatever truth lies in the legend, it is interesting that Valentine’s Day, at least the American “love” holiday, falls on Ash Wednesday this year.  Ash Wednesday is typically commemorated by depositing ashes on one’s forehead to symbolize a spirit of repentance on behalf of a believer.  In the Testaments, we witness several individuals mourning sin through tearing of clothing articles and distributing ashes on the body.

(Job 42:6, Lam. 2:10, Neh. 9:1, Matt. 11:21, Dan. 9:3)

When a heart is motivated to true grievance regarding sin, it will be pardoned by Christ’s immeasurable love and sacrifice witnessed through his ransom on the cross.

(Jn. 15:13-15–> We must obey Christ in order to call him friend.  There is no greater love than Christ laying down his life for his friends.

Acts 3:19, Acts 2:38, Acts 17:30, 2Chron. 7:14, 1 Jn. 1:9, Matt. 3:8, Rev. 2:5,  Lk. 5:32, Rev. 3:19, Prov. 28:13, Lk. 24:47, Lk. 3:8…and the list continues:

Lk. 13:3–> If we do not repent, we will perish.


Whether the legend of this patron saint is true or not, it is common church history acceptance that Valentine loved others.  Valentine was even t willing to be martyred for Christian proclamation!  The ultimate expression of Christian love is, clearly, to lay aside your life for Christ.  Selfishness burns and out of the ashes of this greed, God restores the human soul.  It is in denying self-love, repenting of our flesh nature, and boldly proclaiming our love for Christ, regardless of the opposition we might face, that we find the gateway to eternal life, Jesus Christ himself.

May this Lenten season be one of reflection on the miracles of God, putting aside our pride (in my case, checking Facebook repeatedly throughout the day), and resting in the forgiveness of sins through Jesus Christ’s cross-sacrifice and resurrection.

The 7 year itch

My back arches,

adjusting to my growing gut.

Pins and needles race over my flesh and bone.


Your hands press between my shoulder blades

then inch, ever so slowly, down.

I ease into your gentle touch.

My belly bounces.

This life we’ve made hasn’t always been easy,

I’ve been stretched, broken, and fatigued,

but I’ve also burst with laughter,

smiling at my stomach’s waves

rocking to your wit.

Seven years of marriage,

a wax and wane with

the tides of turbulence and truce,

tragedy and triumphs.

Our bent knees profess surrender to our Savior,

the one who gives us strength to serve each other

and our ever growing family.

I loved you then, but so much more now.

This adventure we’ve traversed together

has weaved one of the most incredible romances,

second to our Christian love, I’ve ever known…

but maybe I’m just biased and infatuated with your handsome body.

(I really should sign off now, before pregnancy hormones best me.)

I love you now and until death do us part Francis Joseph Eisbacher.  We do not grow weary, but tarry together as we seek to glorify God and let matrimony make us holy.  Thanks for doing life with me and committing so loyally to this covenant.  I admire you and am blessed to call you husband.


Cold and Coldness: Assessing motives in an ill season

 “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, which you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you were bought with a price; therefore glorify God in your body.” – 1Cor. 6:19-20

In context, this verse is telling the Corinthians not to engage in pagan practices such as idolatrous cutting of the flesh.  If we care to extrapolate the meaning (which we must do with trepidation, of course), we are to be good stewards of our physical bodies.  During this cold and flu season, how are we to care for an ill body?  Also, what might cause the cold?

Have you ever heard, “Don’t go out in the cold unless you want to catch a cold?”  It is an old wives tale that has been ingrained in society that you will catch the rhinovirus if you are out in the cold.  This mindset is particularly prevalent in southern countries and North America.

I have heard people say that sweat is good and shivering is bad.  People need to understand that these are regulatory actions that the body performs in order to maintain optimal operating temperature.  Too much sweat could cause an individual to dehydrate, experience heat exhaustion, or even heat stroke.  The body needs to have a temperature around 98 degrees.  Some people operate lower (96 degrees) and others higher (100).  If the body is exposed to conditions that cause that range to vary any more than the above mentioned, complications could arise, even death.

Cold weather is not a problem in and of itself.  There are studies that seem to indicate a reduced immune response in colder climates, but a person still has to come into contact with a virus in order to contract the “common cold”.

I have been criticized for not forcing my eldest child to wear a coat in winter.  May I make a few points:

1.) If we are going from the car to a heated building the exposure to the cold temperatures is so minimal it will likely not have any affect on her immune system.  2.) I have repeatedly stated: You need to come into contact with a virus in order to actually contract the cold 3.) People, from my personal experience: northeastern and west coast individuals, retreat indoors during the winter and refuse to go outside.  This increases the risks of having close contact with infected individuals and thus the likelihood of contracting the common cold. (On prevention and treatment) (Although I do not know the academic rigor of this site.  Read this with caution and skepticism.  Yes, I know this article helps prove my point and that is why I am utilizing it.  However, I know better sources exist and I just have to sift through the web’s many databases to find a more academically sound paper.  Currently, I do not have ample time to perform such an inquiry.  I probably am acting in a poor manner by including this link simply to prove a point.  This isn’t quite biblical behavior, is it? *See Scripture below.)

While I believe my argument true and sound, the fact still remains that a part of me wants to please people and how I teach my kid a lesson regarding proper attire for a particular season/climate.  “Am I now seeking human approval, or God’s approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still pleasing people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”- Gal. 1:10  If I feel that short exposure to cold will not automatically result in an ill child; and I do not harm her by refraining from the argument of insisting on a coat simply to walk from the car to a building if she doesn’t want to wear one than I shouldn’t care about people’s opinions on how I rear my daughter.  When I do care, get offended, and write venting posts on my blog, than I tread the line of sin and I must evaluate my motives.

Do I desire to serve God, training up my child in his ways, or am I really more concerned with what people think of my parenting?  May I realize God equips me to parent my child because I am who she needed and it is not cultural norms, societal acceptance, or humanity’s approval that will adequately guide me in this crazy adventure of parenting.  It is for his glory that I am to educate, instruct, and guide my children, not on the suppositions, accusations, or opinions of those around me.

*Also, my post most likely needs a better, more accurate title.



A Legacy

“God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth.”-Gen 1:28 (NRSV).

Disclaimer:  This is not to condemn those who choose not to have children or cannot have children.  Parenthood is not for the faint of heart and those who undertake it are often bereft of sleep, logical thought, and the ability to carry an uninterrupted conversation.  If a couple opts to refrain from the responsibility of child rearing, they should be applauded for weighing options and understanding this monumental task would not be best suited to them.  Sometimes couples don’t want children and find themselves expecting; that is an entirely different conversation.

Anyways, why am I writing this?

I’ve had co-workers, family, and friends produce faces agape when I respond that we would, in theory, like 4 or 5 children.  I have been told that I won’t be able to provide enough attention to my children, that my financial resources wouldn’t stretch enough, that I need to think of their education and how can I do that with 5 kids, it isn’t fair, that my kids wouldn’t be able to get nice things, that I don’t have a big enough house to accommodate that many kids, etc.

Yes, I need to do a better job of tuning this out and not listening to “nay-sayers”.  They aren’t the ones that have the responsibility of raising 5 kids.  It would be mine and my husband’s task, no one else’s.  Why is this life choice any less legitimate than having 1-2 or no kids?

Our culture is obsessed with independence, monetary success, and education.  We might be able to rear intelligent individuals, but are we raising up the next kind and generous generation?  Yes, my kids might not get the latest toy, meals might be simpler and at home more, they might have to work instead of having everything bought for them, but they will be encouraged, loved, and prayed over.

One income families are rare these days.  Yes, the cost of living has increased significantly and wages don’t seem to have risen at the same degree, but needs and wants are two very different things.  I would love to give my kids the opportunity for a great education.  Does that mean college is a necessity?  No, what if I educated them to be self-sufficient, teaching them necessary life items like mechanics, carpentry, sewing, and cooking.  There are fewer people entering the trades.  Skilled artisans are required to help society keep going.  If everyone is at a desk, who will actually hammer a nail, patch a worn garment, or fix a leaky gas line?

I have been told to honestly think about this choice, an unstated assumption that I haven’t weighed my options and carefully considered what rearing five children entails.

In regards to attention, I think this society is starved for quality time.  We are addicted to our technological gadgets.  There are families that will sit at a table all playing individual games, ex: Candy Crush, while not uttering a word to each other.  I don’t think the number of children matters in the attention arena.  A parent can either give attention to their kids or not.  There have been parents that work so hard they don’t make room for their kids, parents that hover too much, and everything in between.  Attention giving is a delicate balance and just because you have more children doesn’t mean you won’t be able to love your children equally, granting similar attention to all.  While I digress with the subsequent statement, I think it holds more weight in regards to lack of attention than family size does; technology, while useful, has given rise to isolation, an increase in depression, and increased feelings of rejection, especially when discussing social media use.

Sons are indeed a heritage from the Lord,
    the fruit of the womb a reward.”-Ps. 127:3

Let us stop thinking of children as commodities, burdens, or chores.  May we realize that you can live a rich and fulfilling life with a small nuclear family or a large brood.  Joy is not dependent on financial gain, educational pursuits, or undivided attention.  Rather, children are the next generation and it is up to us to equip them with the ability to be good stewards of God’s kingdom on earth.  It takes children from all walks of life, from large families to small, to correctly glorify God this side of heaven.

May we realize what a reward children are and that whatever works for a particular couple—be it a dynamic, bustling unit of multiple kids running around or a subdued atmosphere of just three, that it is all for God, his plans and his purposes.

Let us not see differences like this as wrong, but just what it is, a difference in preference and God looks favorably on both.  [There isn’t Scripture that explicitly states what size family you need to have.]

*Also, I need to stop caring what other people think and start tuning them out.  Am I now seeking human approval, or God’s approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still pleasing people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Gal. 1:10 NRSV Oh Lord, I want to be found a servant of you and not of this world.  Let it be so.


Habit of Happiness: A Philippians Study

The back story:

In an instant someone could release their grip.  Life ebbs and flesh is still, cold.  One year ago, today, a child I had done ministry with died at the age of 17.  He was a devoted follower of Christ.  My world was rocked.  I’ve always known death to be a natural occurrence, always existing in the peripheral.  It can happen at any time, but it felt distant.  It was the first time that someone younger than me (and not a stillborn) entered through the gates to bow before the throne eternally.

Digressing from the above, but it ties in so stay attuned:  I’ve been increasingly angry, disgruntled, and all around miserable to be around.  I can blame it on pregnancy hormones and my lack of sleep, but it is not who Christ calls me to be.  There are no excuses for indulging in the flesh.  It is sin and I am to be repentant.  On that front, I need to look at what the root cause is.

My faith has felt dead lately, route.  This dissonance in faith is not God’s fault.  He says, “…I will never leave you or forsake you.”-Heb. 13:5  We need not fear the uncertainty of life or trust in idols because God is omnipresent.  Any distance I feel is something I am doing.  I know that.  Anyways, I feel that part of the problem has been my inclination to complain.  I need to exercise gratitude.

My YouVersion app has Bible plans.  In searching for an exegetical study on Philippians, I came across a plan “Habit of Happiness”.  Mind you, this is not the type of study I was looking for.  However, it is still applicable to changes I need to see in my life.  As such, I decided to start this plan.

It begins by saying our relationships often dissolve and disintegrate because we lack thankfulness for that person’s presence in our life.  Before I know it, I could lose people that I feel disdain to, but that are very important and whom I really do love.  For example, relationships with my sister and my mother have leaned towards estranged more times than not.  However, I need to think about how I am not being grateful for them and alter my attitude.

I might have to say goodbye before I’m ready and if I don’t start recognizing their positive contribution to my life, I might stew in regret until I breathe my last. (See the tie-in to why Dominick’s death plays a part?)

As such, it is time for a change.  Here is my attempt at fostering a habit of Happiness, starting by being grateful for family or friends that I tend to have strained interactions with.

My mother-strong-willed, not a push-over.  She teaches me to have high aspirations and believe I can reach the stars.  She is inspirational in that she sets her mind to something and pursues that goal.  She is not easily discouraged from pursuing her interests.  She is also generous to others who are hard-working.

My sister-once my sister comes to faith in Christ, the world will be forever changed.  She is going to have one incredible ministry!!!  She is a passionate person and if she loves you, she will fight heavily for you.  She is also determined.  She is sensitive too.

My friend Richie-he is not easily persuaded and has strong convictions.  He is also a determined person.  When he decides to do something, he goes for it.

My friend Karen-she is deeply passionate about pursuing Christ and encourages others to do the same.  She lives out devoted loyalty to her husband even when others question why.  Her fight for her marriage encourages others not to give up on their marriage even when it is tough.

My friend Michelle-she is a no-nonsense person who speaks her mind.  She is honest and I am grateful for that.

These individuals might make you meet fury if you cross them, but they will fight for you when they feel that you are being belittled.  They are deeply passionate folks and good to have in your arsenal against Satan.  They will challenge you to stretch yourself in the work that you do and in your own pursuit of faith.  My devotion to Christ is always strengthened to some degree through their encouragement or our conflict.  I should ALWAYS treasure that.

“I thank my God every time I remember you.”-Phil. 1:3

Thank God for every person in your life, especially those with whom you find it difficult to converse with at times.