When I try to connect my bluetooth to my car, they search for each other and the signal is linked.  During that process, you’ll audibly hear my car say it is searching for my phone’s signal.

Let your kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven. 

We are searching, yearning for something more.  In our losses and our grief, we hope that there is something more.  We want sorrow to have a purpose when it makes no sense.  We search for meaning in the uncertainty, the things which sometimes mar our souls.  I’m really struggling with the recent loss of a teen I knew.  I am not quite sure why I feel so impacted by it.  I knew him, but not incredibly well.  I did ministry with him, but it was brief.  Still, I find that I have been inconsolable the past couple of days.

I started off the year wondering if I needed to take my blog in a different direction.  I’m still wondering.  I read a blog that asked several questions and it helped me to see what my priorities are.  A natural flow of writing entails transcribing the things which matter most to us.

As much as I didn’t want to be a “mommy blogger”, I am a mother and it is a huge part of me.  It isn’t the whole of me, but a sum, and a significant one at that.  I want to be acknowledged as something more than just mom, but for as long as I can remember, I yearned to be a mother.  Most of my blog has been about my attempts to be a mom, failing, experiencing a loss, and then gloriously receiving the gift I didn’t think I’d ever receive.  Then receiving an unexpected blessing a little longer than a year later.  It has been about the nuances of parenting two under two and how that has shaped me and my faith.

Throughout my Christian walk, I have taken many spiritual gift surveys.  I tend to find that I encourage.  I have spent most of my life seeking approval, mainly from my mother, but that is another story for another time or perhaps never to be written.  As it stands, I think I try to encourage others because I feel that lacking in my own life.  We are told to treat others as we want to be treated; in fact, we are told to treat others better than ourselves, not out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.

So how can my voice encourage others?  Typically, we encourage others because we have a better perspective after having experienced a situation or enduring a consequence.  As I wrestle with this recent loss and manage my grief, I’m realizing that I can discuss how to cope with loss and rejection because I’ve experienced it frequently throughout my life.  I can also say that while I might feel abandoned by God, I know he is always there.  He sustains me.  When I care enough to look, to usher gratitude and praise rather than complaining, I can see that he is there.

Yesterday I was having one of my most difficult days to date.  While running errands in the evening, a friend called.  This is a close college friend.  It is unusual that she called me.  This friend is a PA and has odd hours.  She also isn’t inclined to pick up the phone just to call someone.  It was out of the ordinary to say the least.

Regardless, I could see this as a coincidence or I can realize that God unifies us in Christian sisterhood. He pressed upon her heart to call me, even if she was unaware of it.  He used a friend to assure me that I’m not processing grief alone.  His grace is sufficient, even if he uses humanity to assure us of it, the same humanity that drives recklessly and life is cut short [as perceived by those left behind] because of it.  He seeks to complete the work he began in us and consequently, uses the messiness of this life to do so.

I’m searching.  I want my life to be guided purposefully, controlled by the Holy Spirit.  My history and experience must be used for his purposes.  He knit me in my mother’s womb to play a part in his story.  How am I going to use my stories to tell others the greatest story?
As I search for purpose and meaning as I wonder, dazed and confused, I’m contemplating what words should transpire as mere thoughts and which ones should be stamped forever in the digital world.

How will I allow my voice to be a voice for the mute?  How can I encourage those who feel discouraged?  I’m finding that it is in letting go, embracing the losses, and using the emptiness that I’m coming alive.  It is when I am empty that I am made full.  Minimalism is giving me freedom to live life to the maximum.  When I pour out myself, I can fill myself up with him. I am becoming the vessel I yearn to be, a light for the creator of light.  It is in dying that I truly live.  Maybe, just maybe, that is the reason I write anything at all.


FYI, as I wrote this it made sense, but I’m feeling a little circular after perusing it.  Did you get lost during this?  If not, how were you encouraged and where might I improve on the dialogue to be more efficient for the essential message?



2 Replies to “Searching…Searching”

  1. I love how you started out with that car-bluetooth metaphor and used that to talk about searching and connecting. I think this was a clear post and not circular. And I think encouraging is definitely one of your gifts and could be a great theme to build on in your writing.

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