I’m half joking in this post. Half.
I am so grateful for the generosity of my Nana. She wasn’t a warm individual, that was just her Japanese culture upbringing. However, she always provided financially. After her passing, everyone in the family received a VERY generous gift. My student debt was wiped out completely and we had enough to buy a small house recently.
The house is the only debt we have. I want to be able to do what my grandmother did and provide for my children and my grandchildren this way. Now, I want to have a greater balance than she did. I don’t want to be consumed with work though. I want to provide financially and emotionally and spiritually.
Now this home purchase…why?
The mortgage payment is much cheaper than any two-bedroom apt. we could have rented in NJ. However, we have electric heat. How much will that be in the winter? It is only a 700 sq. ft. space so hopefully not too much. Then we have repairs to account for. Would it have been cheaper to rent?
What about settling in the state I never wanted to settle in? Can’t God use me anywhere? How do we interpret the calling? I hear people often say that God called them to a particular person or place. Is this biblical? I’ve never heard God say such a thing to me. I just speak of my love for him to those around me. Isn’t that what we are supposed to do? Am I disobeying if I move somewhere else I wasn’t “meant” to be in? How can you know you are going against God’s will when this choice isn’t addressed in Scripture as something that would displease vs. please him?
I’m all over the place in this post. I have thoughts rushing around and I know I’m jumping.
Anyways, it has been 7-8 months since my last trip. I’ve written about this recently. Friends say to travel to places in my state that I haven’t been to yet. That’s nice and helps stave the intense travel craze for a brief moment. Then a couple days later I think about my ultimate bucket list and realize there are still continents I haven’t set foot on or states I haven’t photographed.
My ultimate dream trip is to take a cruise to Antarctica (and of course since doing the research, now I want to do the Arctic too). This trip is EXPENSIVE. The low end will cost you $4000 for a cheap, basic cruise alone. Then you need to add airfare. This is per person.
I think about the money we used to put a down payment on the house. I never felt the desire to buy a home. I NEVER wanted to settle in NJ. I’m a nomad at heart. There is something comforting about staying in the same place and forming close bonds, but it is also hard for me.
Friends say how blessed we are recently. We are. I am grateful so please don’t misinterpret this wrestling as ingratitude. I am thankful for a roof over my head, especially one that doesn’t have cranky neighbors below or above me. My church family (past and present friends accounted for) is incredible. I have a support system other individuals have dreamed about. Yet, there is still the unsettled feeling I have about remaining here rather than throwing caution to the wind, selling everything I own, building a tiny RV home, hitting the road and working odd jobs with Frank to pay for fuel & food, teaching Willow through the most amazing home-school experience ever and fulfilling my travel dreams.
Then I think about grass. Willow loves grass. It’s always greener over there. My little girl is perfectly content to remain in a small patch of grass. She’s fascinated with the new scents this patch brings. She’ll sit there for minutes and study one blade—tasting, touching, and smelling it. Have I not tried to smell, taste, and touch this place enough? Am I dreaming too much that I haven’t learned to appreciate where I’m at right now? If I was doing the nomad thing would I be dreaming of a settlement with a tight-knit community that I have?
Why can’t I seem to control myself? Why can’t I simply be content with what I have or am currently doing? Is this what he wants me doing? I’m not sure. All I know is this is not my home. Why do I worry? Shouldn’t I simply be sharing the good news wherever I’m at?
Why regret a purchase when I could simply save the money now, take the adventure, and continue the witness which is what it is all about anyways.
Ah…such is the cyclical, learning journey of spinning clay being molded daily by the Creator.
(For those interested, one of the cruises that actually lets you step foot on Antarctica (rather than cruising by) is called Quark Expeditions. I could work as a researcher in Antarctica and thus have the expense paid possibly, but I’d have to be away from my family and that isn’t an option. While I do want to travel there, I can’t do so at the expense of family time because family is a greater priority than travel & “bread-winning”…see above note about providing emotionally and spiritually.)