A Three Year Anticipation

5%. That’s the margin of probability we had for conceiving a child. Fertility tests showed that both of us had reproductive issues. The likelihood of us conceiving a child by natural means was slim.

We conceived. We miscarried. Less than a month after the miscarriage we conceived again. The latest pregnancy kept. Now I’m protruding like a hump-fronted whale. I’m 23 weeks along as of Friday.

For three years we prayed, anxiously awaiting for God to fulfill this desire.

Then when it happened I became consumed in fear. I’d grown accustomed to a childless lifestyle. I always felt that this is what I was meant for. Some women know that this isn’t what they want. I’ve known for a while that I wanted to be a wife and a mother. I am a fierce fighter for the ones I love. At least I know how to defend my family. I feel like I flounder at every other skill.

Then it happened. I am becoming a mother and I’m terrified.

Maybe there was a time I was terrified to become a wife, to devote my life in a similar pursuit even though I’d be doing it with a vastly different personality. It’s hard and certainly takes work filled with constant communication, but I enjoy being a wife. Perhaps marriage is easier for me because I’m married to one of the most helpful, caring, and generous individuals I’ve ever met. Men like Frank are rare, especially in the evangelical circles. He cooks, cleans, and caresses. He often gives me short back rubs without me even asking. I had hoped for a lifetime of love, a spouse who would adore me and vice versa. I don’t believe in soul mates or love at first sight, but I do believe that God orchestrated my life beautifully. He arranged my path so that it crossed Frank’s. I wound up in a marriage that was far better than the one I had dreamed up. God fulfilled a desire of my heart even more so than me. Why shouldn’t I trust him to provide the means and strength to raise this child then?

It’s a life I had hoped for. It is about time I place my hope (archaic: trust) in God and begin to really appreciate the blessing that is abounding within.

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