Wow I’ve been slacking. The past couple of days, well weeks, I’ve been wrestling with God. My circumstances appear so uncertain currently. I am thankful to have a job, but I keep praying Frank’s situation changes and we can move forward. We put an offer on a house and it is coming out of review, but I’m hesitant to go forward. It is a huge purchase and I’m not entirely sure I want to go forward here, in NJ. I haven’t heard God either way in that department. I often wonder if I’m hearing him at all, if I’ve ever heard him or if it is just something caused by synapse firings in my brain. I choke up tears even admitting that. I’m a “good” evangelical. I’m not supposed to be wracked with this gaping, vacant hole that is widening at doubt’s quake. I’ve lived a life without Jesus. I’ve suffered severe depression. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want that for my children. However, when every part of your body aches and you are too tired to focus on anything, let alone reading, how do you grow closer to God through prayer and Scripture study? The other day I half-listened to the sermon as I penned a letter to God. Poetry has been a coping mechanism, my expression to God for as long as I can remember. When I’m writing while I listen to a message or worship song I feel closer to God then anyway else. Here is the prayer I wrote while in church on Sunday:
The flow of the raging flame that set faith ablaze and ignited a tongue to bold declaration has with Word’s absence ebbed this steadfast heart, making a throat parched, panting and praying the thirst would be quenched.
I long to dwell within his presence but doubt’s razor teeth gnash at my stumbling, wandering feet and I’m plagued with questions of aptitude to impress fervor’s importance and a pure heart’s necessity upon my kin, an open vessel babe.
Oh Lord, give me steady stance as I ground myself in Scripture’s truth, its refreshing waters to revive this cracked, desert soul.
Beckon my distracted soul to yourself that an observant child would see sincerity within me and would desire to follow you too.
I fear I’ll fail to instruct my child (whenever God does bless us) in a faith with strong perseverance and conviction.
I hope in Christ’s strength to lead me in the way of instructing a teachable child.
Not in my power, but by his shall this insurmountable feat be accomplished.