I’ve always striven for my mother’s approval. She and I just can’t seem to agree. We bicker frequently.
I talk about faith, she talks about weight and the other gets upset when those topics are addressed.
She has openly admitted my sister is her favorite in the past. My sister who has rebelled, costing them a fortune and a half. I’ve consistently paid my way- making sure I could make my own rent payments each month, stock my own fridge, and pay for trips. I’m also deeply committed to Christ and most of my evening activities are hanging out with friends talking about Jesus. My sister is the complete opposite. I feel like I just can’t win. Even though my life appears together and Catherine’s is breaking I think my mom likes that she can be my sister’s life preserver. My mother isn’t mine, Christ is, and I think that bothers her. I want her affection though and haven’t been able to feel it unless I’m doing what she wants, choosing the topics that interest her, and letting her guide my decisions rather than God. I can not and will not let her be that role in my life. I respect her because she is my mother and love her because she does care, but I just wish I felt sufficient in her eyes. I wish she was proud to call me her daughter and joyfully tell her friends about me. Maybe she is and this cold Japanese heritage has just influenced my mom’s family too much.
I want our kids to be excited to learn about their ancestry, but Asian cultures keep their distance and there is little intimacy between friends, let alone family. Anyways, I digress. This post is more about wanting to be accepted by my mom and fearing I’ll have unwarranted demands on our children because it is what I’ve grown up with, it is what I’ve known. (FYI, I haven’t been abused and also have low serotonin at times so I could just as easily be over-sensitive about this.)
I fear that I’ll have high expectations of our children. I fear that if we have multiple children that I will play favorites, however unintentionally. Will they be enough? Yes. Yet, will I let them be?