The Bomb

I dropped it.  F.

I could hear the snap of the injector port coming off the chamber.  Fragmented pieces littered my palms and the freshly waxed floor.  Then a clink and the torch was obliterated too.  The shards just kept coming.  Earlier in the morning I had words like sharp stones etch my ego.  The conference call left with client’s questioning my skill.  After a day like today the steam just left my lips.  I never meant for the boil to get so hot.  I just dislike feeling inadequate. 

This shaking sense of feeling inept keeps growing.  I seem to repeatedly prepare solutions incorrectly and find poor recoveries.  Then outside of work, in my day-to-day life, my body can’t seem to find a way to perform basic biology.  Others can do so without even a blink.  You see, for years my body has been resistant to impregnation.  (It wasn’t for a lack of trying, let me tell you…okay well no details, but yeah the effort was definitely there.)

It’s times when you feel like a failure that you have to remember who you are in Christ.  I keep trying to remind myself of this fact.  Christ equips.  (2Cor.3:6) My duty is not in the things of this world necessarily, but more importantly in spreading the good news.  Sharing the gospel must always be my goal and if I share in planting the seeds than I am a success.

The world, even the church body, can put expectations on success, but God looks at the heart.  He cares about our motivations.  When you feel like you can’t perform the most basic things of life remember that there is an eternity.  He defines who we are and the proper goals, not a lack of broken instrumentation or faulty plumbing, are what bring him joy.  He’s using it all for his glory.  We just have to remember that.  We have to refrain from impulse and crass words.  I only say it when frustrated.  That’s not an excuse though.  In all things pray and his peace will transcend.  Pray before the battle of failed projects and passionate encounters. 

May my words always bring him glory.  Yet I’m grateful that he condemns less than our brethren for the occasional use of foul words.  I repent and receive his mercies.  Tomorrow is another day with a fresh anointing of mercy.  He’s given me so much today and I’m eternally grateful. 

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